The Chan: How To Edge
by Giraffe Cultist
Summary: The birth of a Chan and hipster culture
I was locked in there for a fat while—no shoes, no shirt, no pants.

It smelled like rat extract and brine, and not the good type of brine.

It never really occurred to me how many Caucasian males were in the cell with me. Honestly, everything looked and felt like a woman in there. Sometimes I'd pretend the oranges were the moist vessel of my wife.

It all started in the summer of 2015, when I was at home watching anime and watching no-scope memes. I never thought they were too funny, so I always exalted myself as being the best poster on 9gag, amid all the ebonic, normie scum. I spent most of those months on the computer, copping torrents of new anime and good ol' hardcandy. I was like any other room-dependent, sheltered, pasty teenage boy. I did not have many friends, other than the kids I went to elementary with. I didn't even know if I was still in high school, since I spent so many days reading up on School Days AU's that I forgot my own orientation in the world. It was, though, always in Michigan. I forget where a lot of the time, like I am now.

Many nights, many days, I wasted away like the sack of atrophy I was ogling at the computer. I was a habitué of reddit, particularly the videogame threads. I attempted the no-fap challenge in November, like a chronic fag. It never occurred to me that despite me calling so many people autistic, the aforesaid disorder was accruing within myself. I always remember one frequent topic of discussion amongst my e-friends and e-scrubs, which was the intermittent bashing of 4chan. I thought jew jokes and Chuck Norris jokes were funny, among other things, and like any normalfag I had no idea of what type of antiquated humor me and the general populace were just encroaching into.

I had never been on 4chan, but I had an inkling of it through rumor spread about on the internet. I usually turned to the three arbiters of truth on the internet, which I believed were: Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia and JonTron. Like I said before, I was a chronic fag. Every hint or premonition I had of most of the internet and its peoples were from Filthy Frank, the lord of cancer. I had no idea that cancer had come from 4chan, and like any other gormless, decaying faggot on the internet, I abused it to new levels of pH.

Before I delve into the details of my imprisonment, I'd like to mention that I was a heavy proprietor of liberal views and LGBT rights. Of course, I made fun of all the silly tumblr dwellers, because they seemed even lower than low. With my LoL accounts buffed, and several preorders on upcoming games, I really thought I was the big shit.

However, on that day in July, I think it was, someone came to my door, probing for an answer. I didn't open it at first, at the very least, and just recently I had started a diet consisting of fasting, since I was just too lazy for exercise. I opened the door, expecting some body pillow or something. (I was 'ironically' into anime) And when I set eyes on the outside, I saw simply a small package labeled "BITCH BOY". I didn't know what it was for, or what the context was. But as I walked upstairs, I had a scary feeling that people from the deep web were getting back at me for exposing the drug trafficking on their onion link.

I ran up to my room and gasped as hard as my generously 175 limb self could gasp. Gas billowed out from the vents, and almost instantaneously I fell unconscious. If I remembered better, I would be able to name the type of gas, since I spent some of my awful summer reading up on weapons and mass school shootings. I thought myself higher than my peers, as I knew how to effectively survive one, if one ever occurred. It was easily the only thing I held above my peers, as most of my peers weren't out-of-shape, incompetent, or lacked social skills.

When I woke up, I felt someone grabbing hard around my testicles.

My head shot up.

"Your balls are small, faggot. Fucking wash your fat ass."

It was all dark, so I couldn't see who was there. The grip was tight, and I felt the next generation of my family slowly dying from the withering squeeze.

"What the fuck? Are you an edgy fag or something? Go back to posting nudes of your grandma on /b/," I quipped back at him.

My balls were ripped off, and I cried, as I would never cum in a girl because of it.

"You ungodly piece of shit. Get up and stop shitposting with your idleness."

My asshole was prodded by a foot. I was brought up and beaten ferociously by a bunch of kids hidden in the dark.

I was dragged out of a corridor, covered in piss and tears. I was thrown into what seemed like one of those office areas in Outlast. A man walked in, shutting the door behind him.

He called me a fat weeaboo. Instinctively, I retorted with a "Shut up, you autist" but I lacked the physicality to back up those words.

He tore off my legs and yanked the shit out of my asshole, then force-fed it to me.

"You sniveling fucking faggot. I'm going to fuck your mom in the pussy and make her cum as I gouge out her eyes!"

I cried more. Without a barrier of anonymity, my useless internet interjections proved ineffectual against the man before me. I was laying down in the office, bleeding from my legs, though I did not bleed after 10 seconds.

I was dragged into the showers by burly, wiry men. They threw me by a shower drain and kicked me in the sides. This sort of reminded me of a Russian prison camp, and as soon as that thought came to mind, the guards pissed on my face.

I cried and wriggled on the floor like a fucking eel. They kicked me in the dick and made me bleed for Jesus.

A guard said, "I swear to God, you white bitch. You will know what cum in your nostrils smells like better than the name of your fucking waifu, stupid bitch."

He squatted over me and proceeded to shit all over my head.

No meme could save me now. As a part of my torture, I was robbed access from the internet and American foods for most of my stay.

They did not give me water or mountain dew, only ball sweat and pig blood.

I became insane in a matter of hours, and soon I found myself detached from my fat, pathetic body. I felt like a fat girl from YouTube.

I was routinely brainwashed every couple of hours to make sure I wasn't gaining seditious thoughts.

On my 10th night there, I was laying in my cell, counting how many days it would take for Fallout 4 to come out, since I convinced myself that Survivor 21 was real.

Another guard came in due to this act of treason. He brandished a whip and a water hose.

"Shit-sniffing son of a ape-fucking nigger."

He retached my legs on and then cut chunks of fat from my whale-like body.

He fed my blubber to me, and I coughed it out, crying even harder.

He put his dick in my mouth, and I gagged, for I had never experienced a cock or dick or penis as large as this. Mine only barely poked out, so I usually faked the nudes I sent to female furries on the Internet.

I choked on the fat cock, and he came in less than a second because of how much of a repressed homosexual I was.

He pulled out his cock and stomped on my mouth.

"One of these days, your dick won't be a tiny piece of shit."

I laid there that night, sobbing and shivering. I had regularly made rape and abortion jokes, but once I experienced it, the matter became all too real for me. I was convinced I had seen it all. I had watched ISIS videos, seen 2girls1cup, and other shit on the not-so-deep web.

But nothing could prepare me for the awful fuck I would see the next morning.

I woke up in my cell with a sore asshole and a hard cock.

I looked outside the bars and I saw live torture porn.

I went back to sleep.

I woke up again and I felt someone digging into my asshole. I twisted back and saw my own finger wiggling against my prostate.

They must have reattached my balls, because I came all over myself.

I laid in my own semen for days, sometimes drinking it to provide for my sustenance.

A year into my rehabilitation, I woke up and wasn't a fatass.

I walked outside myself and played with all the prisoners in the yard.

One of them was a transgender fan of Tokyo ghouls.

She sat on the benches, whispering in Japanese to herself. She hated American culture.

After a few minutes, she must have been convinced real life was anime, because she attempted to kill every guard outside.

She was hit in the face by a flying rifle butt.

"You fat, autistic weeaboo," Nigger-hating John said.

He shot out her kneecaps and stopped her face into the ground until it was FUBAR.

Then, he picked up her body and sacrificed it to Helios.

The Sun God came down and gladly christened the body.

It was buried by all the Zionist propaganda, which was the manga brought in by otakus entering the facility.

In my prognosis, I learned to hate Jews and black people. I had never become so powerful.

One day, when I was beating some toddlers to death, a subhuman teenage negro accosted me with some stinky rap lyrics

"Yo cracker ass nigga yo you salty or sometin'?"

I had no idea what he said, but given he was a negro, he must have been mad and volatile.

I tried to assuage his fears by offering friendly words like "banana" and "watermelon".

He wouldn't let down, though, and he thought that by being black, he must have been stronger than me.

He threw a punch at me, which was an ineffective as ebonic slurs for white people.

I did not fight him, but he would not go away.

A guard threw a porno mag at my ass and told me to kill his chocolate ass.

"If you do not kill it, you are a Jew and a dog. His IQ is smaller than your pinky-finger penis. Kill him or feel your ass rip."

The next time the nigger punched me, I tore off his hand with one single pull. He screamed and spewed AIDS-ridden blood all over me. Slowly, I collapsed.

However, a great albino giant came out from the tool shed.

Sultry Dan was his name, and he was the true paladin of everything objectively great on the Internet.

He ripped off the blackster's head and wiped his ass with it, then killed all of his family.

In the days following, my dick grew bigger and I finally stopped being a maggot.

I walked out of my cell with hard, taut muscles, which were beyond the description of any Marty Stu in fanfiction.

There was a lesbian outside, hiding in the guard barracks, just waiting to shoot me with manmade AK-47's. Women knew nothing about guns, which was not surprising, since they were mentally inferior, mercurial beings.

With me in position to complete her half-baked ambush, she opened fire upon me. The bullets hurt, but not as much as my balls, which were aching to cum in some whore's pussy.

I discarded her rifle and spread her legs apart like eagle wings. I rammed my hard dick into her soft, unyielding pussy. I thrust in and out with the brutality of a silverback. She screamed and latched onto me, carving patriarchal appellations into the skin on my back.

Her pussy felt so soft and warm, hungry for American cock. She lacked male attention, and needed my giant dick to feed her hairy snatch.

It contracted each time my fat dickhead hit her cervix, and once she reached orgasm, I creamed her pussy good.

I pulled out, and it dripped with at least 100 million babies that could've been born.

I called her a slut and decapitated her with a steak knife, then I ate her head and kept her body alive so it could bear my children.

Conclusively, I walked out of that facility not a faggot, like I used to be. I had tasted enough shit and horsecock to be fully reformed and changed forever.

I still remember those words in the back of my mind:

"Faggot"

"Bitch"

"Fag"

"Gay"

They echo like Dad bands in my head.

I was never the same after that. I vowed to kill every Jew and lesbian on the face of the fucking planet.


End file.
